Game of Thrones: Season 5 Plus
by The Auteur
Summary: This is the season 5 that they didn't show you. Game of Thrones: Season 5 Plus gives you a perfected version of the fifth season of Game of Thrones, with all the depth of your favorite characters (including Bran) and not the ham-handedness of the TV version. This fic will be presented in a 10 episode/chapter format like the TV show.
1. Episode 1

*Spoiler Warning for those who haven't seen up to season 5 yet*

Episode 1: Big Black, Little White

It was a a rough time in Westeros and the Desert Land for many of the people who were at war. Mostly, it was a hard time for Daenyryses who was in a large coach with her swarthy warrior boyfriend Daario. The coach was being pulled by two big black horses which Daeynyrys thought was a fitting touch: her empire and dragons were strong and these big black horses exemplified that. Suddenly, a little white goat got in the path of the big black horses. One of the big black horses got mad and jeered its huge thick body upwards and stomped the little white goat to death. The big black horse had killed the little white goat. Dynyrys and Daaraao laughed and clapped. In the show this will be a funny moment and will have circus music in the background. (Auteur's note: the reason that random values are placed in those character's names is because this something that George RR Martin employs in the books to make character names sound more fanciful. Since you are a big enough fan to be reading fan fiction, I have acted on the assumption that you are used to and added to the story to make you all feel more at home.)

Dynyrys and Daaaa sat in the back of their coach, tired after laughing so much at the little white goat was stomped dead by the big black horse. Suddenly Daaaa sprang to attention, he had a rejuvinated energy about him and sat upright, wide eyed and ready for action. He looked at Dyyyryys boldly and unshakably he wouldn't take his eyes off her. She initially was flattered, but after about 15 minutes of this, she was unnerved. She tried ignoring him and looking out the window. Eventually her awkward attempts to avoid his attention were futile. She finally met his gaze and boy did this excite Daaaari! His pants ripped and out shot his fat pink mastadonic. Dyyyernyrs tried to stop herself, but she couldn't. She went down and pleasured the big man sitting next to her. She did it, though unwillingly. This was rape.

Meanwhile in Dorn, Doran Martell and Elaria Sand were lounging around in the wheelchair-bound, brown-skinned Sheik's garden. Elaria was angered at him as he cowardly refused to raise his Islamic armies against the King who allowed his faithful Muslim of a brother to die in the arena against the mastadonic Mountain. Doran was stressed and couldn't think. He looked up at the sky and prayed to Allah to give him a cause to wage Jihad against. But alas, Doran was weak and was unable to reconcile his weak, wheelchair-bound fraim with the martial quality that Muhammad demanded of his followers. Such a weak bodied man could not reign as Caliph. Never could he match the penile prowess of his deceased brother.

Suddenly, Elaria shouted, "It is time for prayer my Sultan. We must go on a walk out in the Holy Desert to a traditional Islamic prayer Dune. Doran sat up in his wheelchair and looked over at Elaria, "I will join you in prayer only under one condition my brown-skinned Muslima, you must suckle upon by brown mastadonic." Elaria's soul arose with vigor and a light was in her eyes, "Yes my Muslimo."

Doran pathetically undid his paints and presented his little unclean penis to his strangely faithful Muslima. She gazed into her Muslimo's deep, feces-colored eyes and then tilted her head down to his groin. The Muslima, unwillingly and reluctantly wrapped her lips around his tiny stick. She hated Doran for his weakness, but she couldn't let him know the true extent of her hatred until the time was right. Her future plans aside, the fellatio wasn't as bad to her as if it were to a young girl like Aria. Indeed, like all Dornish girls, she had been trained in this act during adolescence. Cock sucking came naturally to her, just as violence comes instinctively to all Muslims.

Afterwards, she walked her Muslimo out in the desert to the prayer Dune. She knew she was about to be eternally rid of his weakness and his tiny penis in one fell swoop. She needn't worry, so she let the dry desert air lick her sultry, cum-stained lips. Doran slept his time away during this passive and soothing journey. "He was too weak and limp-dicked to change anything so why bother with consciousness?" he thought unenthusasticly. Such is the nihilism of Islam.

Nighttime darkness had formed a membrane around the barren, worthless desert by the time Elaria had stopped pushing him. Taken away from his peaceful idleness with this change of pace, Doran awakened. The Muslimo struggled to scout the surroundings before him. It was odd, there was no magical carpet, so this couldn't be the special prayer sand dune! A vicious stench shocked into his nostrels from below. He finally realized where he was when he looked into the myre of darkness at the bottom of the sand dune he was atop of. Fat beasts ran back and forth in the darkness, their vague forms ever threatening to any around cursed with the misfortune of beholding their ugliness. This was a camel pit. The rare depression in the desert sands where feral camels dwell and wait for some malevolent individual to cast live meat to them. These demonic camels groaned and snarled waiting for a meal to present itself to them. Indeed, no simple creature can match the evilness inherit to some men, and especially that wickedness displayed in Dornishmen

Before Doran could grab his turban in fright, a slight nudge from behind sent his wheelchair barreling into the pit. His feeble form twisting in midair, the last sight he beheld was his traitorous maiden smirking at his sudden downfall. At his certain death, Doran didn't have any lasting wish, or meaningful remarks to leave the world with. He simply wished that Allah be merciful. An expected result, as it is known that all Dornishmen scour, kill, and die like dogs; they are born, live, and die never knowing what it means to have a soul. The camels trampled the limp, pathetic savage and bit into his brittle limbs, smashing them with their big, black blunt herbovoric teeth. Their jaws smashing his little white bones, the Muslimo whined out for Allah to save him, but the camels were simple like him and knew only destruction. They did not relent until his form lie as a frightful heap of pulp and puss. Elaria, though her camels inferior to Dynyrys' dragons in every way, resolved to return to Doran's sand castle and establish dominion over the Islamic world, raise the mighty armies of the sands, and challenge the incestuous Lannister dogs and the little immature girl. She would soon aim to seat herself on the Iron Throne...


	2. Episode 2

Spanish Mammoth

One week has passed since Jon Snow used his two-hander sword to execute the disgraceful Janos Slynt in an act to legitimize his authority over the rest of the Night's Watch. Food was scarce and morale was low despite the inspirational leadership of both Snow and Stannis, as provisions were allocated to feed not only the Watch and Stannis' host, but also the defeated Wildling army. This trouble hastened Stannis' decision to march his knights from the Castle and and set them upon Winterfell. The Wildling question violently begged the ruler and Snow to give their answer.

Jon Snow stood out in front of the prisoners held by Stannis' men. He knew that Stannis would surely execute them all, and this did not sit well with his heavy conscience. Jon inherited this trait from his father. Indeed, Ned, despite ruling over a barren, icy wasteland where agriculture was scarce and had been subject to a climactic war not 20 years ago, relentlessly stormed around enforcing his egalitarian morality on his feudal subjects, be they house maids or forest savages. Jon called out them, "Now each of you must be patient and wait. Nobody kills anybody. Those who want to be mean don't get my food and each of the wildlings must be fed heartily until they be granted asylum in one of the southern cities." The wildlings took heart and cheered at this development: they had finally been given the welfare that they were denied their entire lives, but they all knew deep in their feelings that they deserved every handout Jon had offered. The army scowled at the boy commander and left the attendance of the savages, returning to their camps in disgust.

Later on, feeling righteous that he had achieved social justice, Jon finally felt stress-free for a night. He lounged that night in his quarters; despite his solitude, he was happy. He felt the warmth and plushyness of his bed and allowed himself to sink in for a well-deserved rest. The warmness intensified for Jon as he let the wine slip down his throat. In his half-sleep, Jon felt an unfamiliar, fiery bliss...

Morning came and Jon awoke. But to his dismay, he felt strangely fleshy. He was in the nude, and, to his horror, a feminine figure laid next to him. He recoiled as his wits came to him and he noticed who it was. Melisandre! A shrieked, squeaky gasp burst from his throat as he saw the red woman's eyes open. A sudden animation sprang about her, as prey awaking in the night to the presence of a nocturnal predator. She fled the room with a scream like that of a stag calling out to warn its fellows of danger. Jon, unthinking, went after her in a flurry. Naked the two ran from the room out into the hallway. This chase was quickly abated when stood a patriarchal wall before them.

Stannis. Jon's brown eyes grew wide with fright at the sudden wrath manifest before him. He was speechless: the worst state he could have as the furious countenance of Stannis demanded an explanation for this travesty. The snake of a woman moaned, "M-m'lord! H-he he raped me!" Stannis brandished his huge mallet, labeled "Mannis" by the text engraved upon it, which towered as large as the Mountain. He heaved back and before the sheer might could be gauged by either the woman or boy, he struck. Stannis bopped Jon on the head and his nude body fell stiff on the cold floor.

That night, every wildling and member of the Watch was burned at the stake, for it was Stannis' will. Stannis' army then left Castle Black to Winterfell and laid siege to the city. The Boltons sent word to their few allies for reinforcements. After a few days of no action, Ramsay went out front of the city half-naked with duel knives and killed two veteran mounted knights wearing plate armor with only one quick stab each. He challenged Stannis to a duel, which was accepted. Stannis jumped up with his mallet and bopped Ramsay on the head and then smashed his body into a thin red mist leaving only the shoes of the former boi bolton. Then, the garrison surrendered, all of whom were burned alive save for Roose. Stannis castrated Roose and took all the stone masons in the North back up to Castle Black. He ordered them to seal up the tunnel. It was grueling work, and Stannis had their feet chopped off so they wouldn't run away. After they were done Stannis bopped them all on the head so that they may never build a castle to challenge Stannis again. Ilyn Payne sneaks into Winterfell and rapes and murders Sansa, bye bye! (this will be a funny moment, play circus music).

In the next scene, Stannis travels around the Westeros countryside bopping all useless side characters on the head. This will be funny as Stannis will use various hilarious methods to trick these characters to come into his house alone, where he will bop them on the head. These methods will be related directly or indirectly to memes found on reddit. In the show, this will be shown in montage format with all sorts of cheerful and funny music in the background. Stannis will them travel to Essos on a brief weekend vacation, where he will bop some more meaningless fluff characters on the head with a funny remix of the game of thrones theme song playing in the background. These events will all be very funny and meant to appeal to Game of Thrones' immature, reddit-using audience. To satisfy HBO, Sam will accompany Stannis on his journeys and have sex with various female characters. Olyvar will be shown having sex with male characters.


	3. Episode 3

Warning: this chapter may contain racially/religiously offensive content.

The Rise of Fake Ilyn and the Exodus of Bran

Bran had been training in magic in the cave for a few months. The Great Jew and his goylet slaves had been teaching him remedies for making Talmudic potions. The Great Jew looked at Bran and confided his thoughts, "Judaic divine law makes it very clear that 'Children of the Forest' do not have rights to any land but are not even human at all, so they have no rights whatsoever and are even less than a goyim. If the life of 10,000 goyim are not worth one Jewish fingernail, then the lives of 500,000 'Children of the Forest' are not worth a grain of sand." he said as he gripped one of the small creatures and smashed its head like a grape. "Bran you must understand that you are a worthless subhuman beast. You are vermin and exist merely to serve us Jews. Indeed, goy are creatures that are no different than cattle. If the Andals or the First Men were for whatever reason unable to provide us menial benefit, then we would surely exterminate them all. The goyim begin to tire me with their insolent wars. When, I ask, will the time finally come to rid the world of the ignoble goyische scum? After all, such is the ultimate fate of all gentiles as foretold in the divine chronicles of the Talmud." Bran spoke up to the great wizardly semite, "By all the Old Gods and the New, I agree with my heart and tongue to all you say and do."

"How dare you sully my presence with your speech of false Gods and idols you inferior goyishce rodent?! In the Talmud, it says that goyim are impure and defile those of the chosen that have the misfortune to speak with them. This effectively brings evil upon the land of Israel! Had I a son, I'd forbid you from attending his bris or Bar Mitzfa." Bran weakly responded, "S-sir, I meant no disrespect!" The Jew shouted him down, "You beast! I have dirtied myself enough already. Begone from me, I hereby sever all contact with you, you discourteous goy." And so, Bran was forced to take up the path of the wanderer yet again.

Meanwhile, Osha and Rickon were on their way to seek asylum at Last Hearth. The scraggly woman and young boy dispassionately trotted along the dirt road, their journey as of yet uneventful. Then, it happened. They stopped in their tracks, as a figure stood before them blocking the road. It was Ilyn Payne. Rickon knew that Ilyn was the one who raped and murdered Sansa so he called out to Osha to prepare for battle. Ilyn, the man who knew in his heart that it was his divinely-decreed destiny to rape and murder all Starks did not fear the feeble boy and woman before him. He confidently lunged forwards...

North of the wall, Bran and Hodor had been expelled from the Great Jew's cave and were trekking to the south to seek refuge in a land without white walkers. On that day, their world was shaken. A lone man blocked the road before them. It was Ilyn Payne. Ilyn's destiny, he thought, would come to fruition this day.

It turns out that the Ilyn facing Rickon was fake, and the one facing Bran was the real one. Bran knew that his opponent was real because he had Sansa's scalp attached to his belt. Real Ilyn shot an arrow at Bran but missed and Hodor charged up at him. Hodor was wearing a horned viking helmet (in the show, this will attract more viewers because Hodor is a favored character among redditors, and the show Vikings is also popular among redditors). Hodor reared forwards and caught Real Ilyn's charge, skewering him on one of the horns. Real Ilyn was impaled, but he was not out of the fight yet. He took Sansa's scalp and slapped Hodor in the eyes, stunning him. This gave Real Ilyn enough time to get off of Hodor and charge at Bran yet again. Within seconds, Real Ilyn was nearly upon Bran and a simple touch of Real Ilyn's fist would be enough to crush the puny Bran's skull. Ilyn suddenly collapsed, grasping at his groin in pain. It turns out that Sansa had herpes, which was spread to Real Ilyn when he raped her. Right now, he was having a breakout, making him unable to continue the fight. Hodor recovered and got up to anally rape Real Ilyn with the viking helmet. The raping didn't last long because Real Ilyn was already on the verge of death from the herpes and impalement. After a brief rough and tumble, where Hodor diddled Real Ilyn fiddle really good (play the laugh track when Horace says "Hodor"). Real Ilyn's corpse fell the the ground at Hodor's feet a bloody mess. This was a victory for Team Bran. "Hodor." cheered Hodor triumphantly (this is funny- play the laugh track).

At the Last Hearth road, Fake Ilyn charged forwards to crush the boy and woman. He was too fast for the two to track with the naked eye. The Fake Ilyn was much more powerful than the Real Ilyn. At the last second, before Fake Ilyn was ready to flatten Rickon, Osha jumped in the way of the attack. She was impaled through the chest by Fake Ilyn's fist. Suddenly, Meryn Trant appeared behind Rickon with a big sword about to decapitate him. Brian of Tarth double mounting a horse with Podrick charged in to intercept Trant. Podrick was brain damaged because he barely survived being bopped by Stannis. Instead of killing Rickon, Meryn turned around to deal with Brienne. He dropped his sword and pushed the horse down with his hands like a school yard bully. Brienne fell and was pinned on the ground beneath the horse. Podrick fell in the mud and let out a lame, slurred scream. This strange sound distracted Fake Ilyn, who ripped Osha's corpse in half and ran at Podrick. He snatched Podrick up and ran off in the woods with the brain dead boy, leaving Meryn alone to deal with Rickon and Brienne. Meryn pushed the horse off Brienne and laughed as he tackled her and started raping her. Seeing his distraction and vulnerability, Rickon picked up Meryn's sword and decapitated him. Meryn's head span in the air and made contact with Rickon. It was angry and cursed at him as it fell to the ground. The head rolled down the road towards King's Landing.

Unfortunately, this was a black day for Osha, but Hodor and Brand were able to kill Real Ilyn. Rickon and Brienne were fortunate enough to survive the merciless assault of Fake Ilyn, and were able to severely weaken Meryn at the cost of Podrick. Now with Podrick as a squire, Fake Ilyn is one of the strongest characters in Game of Thrones. He is nearly on par with Stannis and the Tyrion Lannister, characters who are strong enough to bypass plot shield in many cases.


	4. Episode 4

Stannis' Answer

North of the wall, the Jew's cave was barren, deserted with nothing around but the corpses of countless Children of the Forrest, their skulls crushed with an irresistible force. The Great Jew had left, using his magic carpet to get to Braavos. His name was actually Fivish✡ of the house Kohenstein✡, a very rich banking family. At Braavos, Fivish arrived through the back door of the Iron Bank and met in the smoke-filled boardroom with his two brothers, Herschel✡ and Chaim✡. "Ignoble goyim scum have no right to our land. All of Icerael (Westeros) belongs to us." blurted out Chaim. "Indeed, we need to tear fetuses from their goyim mother' bellies and impale them on pikes right in front them then leave the fetus pikes all over. The Talmud commands us to do this." chirped back Herschel. "How naive of you Herschel," interrupted Fivish, "why stop with just the fetuses? We must stomp their already birthed infants to death in front of the unclean goyische scum, then boil the rest alive in a vat of human feces. Indeed, goyim must be made to know their place. Just today a goyim child tried to have a conversation with me. Any company with gentiles brings evil upon Jews." The Jews laughed so hard that they had to grab onto their peyos to restrain themselves and keep from getting too carried away- after all, a banker has got to keep the funny business out of the workplace. (this is a scary moment- play unsettling music)

Meanwhile, at the Last Hearth road, Brienne and Rickon were holding a funeral for Osha. They burried here on the side of the road and were giving her a moment of silence. Brienne started crying. "What's the matter?" asked Rickon concernedly. "I'm useless." whimpered Brienne. "Oh." replied Rickon. Brienne, despite her armor, sword, and heroism was unable to stop Meryn and Fake Ilyn on her own. She longed for a real man to satisfy her lust. An armed bandit named James appeared out of the woods and charged at the two, with the intent to rape and murder both of them. Brienne turned around and parried his sword swing with her own and knocked him back. Rickon ran up with Meryn's sword and swung at him, knicking him in the elbow. This gave Brienne the window she needed to knock the sword out of his hand. "Who are you?" asked Brienne. "Just a simple bandit." he replied. "Swear fealty to me and I'll let you live." Brienne told him. "Ay m'lady." he said as he kissed her boot.

In Dorne, Jaime and Bronn, on their wacky adventures, had to stop the Muslimas from murdering the princess. But this humorous tale was about to change for the worse, as a magic carpet snaked across the horizon. Jaime and Bronn confronted the Muslima Sand Snakes including Elaria out in the open desert. Elaria taunted the hopelessly outnumbered men, "What are you stable boys doing so far south hmm? Don't you know winter is coming?" "So am I!" snarled Bronn as he jumped on a Sand Snake and started raping her. The other Muslimas readied their weapons and began to engage the whiteys when suddenly, the unexpected happened. A carpet fell out of the sky and tree Jews landed on their feet behind them. "You goyim wouldn't mind if I killed you all and took your land would you?" asked Fivish.

The magic carpet engulfed a Sand Snake and wrapped her up. The carpet, once wrapped around her, tightened rapidly, crushing her entire body into pulp instantly. Chaim sat down and the carpet floated over to him. He smirked excitedly as he unwrapped it, revealing her pulped remains. He snickered as he began eating it, "Who knew goy tasted so geshmok! It's not kosher though, so I'll have to say sorry to my rabbi later." "You'll pay for this!" shrieked Elaria as a herd of 8 camels ran from out in the desert towards the Jews. "Oy vey what filthy vermin." scorned Fivish as he pulled out his magic wand and zapped one of them. Chaim pulled out a menora spear (a spear that has seven points so it is seven times more powerful than a normal spear) and skewered the last seven of them. Fivish then turned one of the Muslimas into a piece of gelt and ate it. Only Elaria remained. She got onto one of her camels and tried to escape but it was too late. The Jews summoned a sack of explosive pig heads and threw it at her, blowing her to smithereens. The Jews then summoned their pet chimps and fed the rest of the remains to them. By this time, Jaimie and Bronn had already run away.

Back at King's Landing, the Lannisters were preparing for Stannis' invasion. Cersei was sitting there drinking wine when Meryn rolled into the room. "Give me a new body right fucking now you insolent woman!" shouted the little man. Cersei passive aggressively sipped her wine and pretended not to see him. He was red with furry and rolled in to Cersei's shin, startling her and making her spill her wine. "You little monster!" screamed Cersei as she grabbed him by the hair and threw him out the window. He landed on Peter Baelish's private brunch table below. "You know Meryn, I think I know of a perfect body for you to have." smirked the schemer. In a shady back room Meryn's head finally met a neck. Baelish had him reattached to the body of none other than Ned Stark. Meryn stormed off with the obvious intent to get revenge on Rickon, but Peter interrupted him, "Don't lose your head again out there Trant. If Cersei sees you like that again she'll surely have you detoothed and turned into a flesh light." (play the laugh track) Cut to Olivar's bedroom, he has sex with a new character named Steve. Steve is a nullo so he can only receive anal.

Up north of the wall, Horace and Bran made coats out of Real Ilyn's skin to keep them warm when winter comes. They set off for Winterfell, to find refuge, hoping that Stannis would not bop them with his mallet. "Hodor." said Hrensendolfor. (this is funny- play the laugh track)

At Winterfell, Sam puts his fat pink mast into Gilly in the dog pens. Stannis was convening with his war council on coming up with creative ways to defeat the dragons, whitewalker, and the Lannisters. Stannis' remaining footless stonemasons invented a new innovative upward-directional catapult for launching projectiles or people long distances. They called this machine the 'Spanish Mammoth'. Stannis wanted to use this machine to give his answer to all the hyenas who opposed him. He got on the launching platform with the intent to go to Dragonstone to show everyone that this new machine would give him the edge in the war. He felled his Mannis down on the launching mechanism and catapulted himself in the air. However, he didn't get very far. The wind blew him off course and caused him to smash his legs off some nearby rocks. This would put him out of the action for at least a week.

At King's landing, Olivar woke up after fucking Steve and noticed a distinct change, he now had two assholes. This shocked Olivar, but he had no time to be in awe as two faith militant ran into the room shouting their intent to put him in the dungeon. Olivar, laying sexily face down on the bed, looked back at them and winked, "I have some AIDS cooking up for ya." as he shoke his now enormous ass. (play epic exciting music)


	5. Episode 5

Hear Me Roar

Cersei was sitting in her private chambers, sipping wine languidly, and starring off into the distance without any passion. Pycele stormed in the room urgently, "Y-your grace, I-I've important news to give you!" Cersei passive-aggressively ignored him and sighed. Pycele continued, "A new phenomenon has caught on among the peasantry of King's Landing. The small folk have adopted a new behavior wherein they squat on the ground like a frog. They scurry up to unsuspecting women like this and jump on them and rape them. They call it 'leapfrogging'. Nobody does anything to stop it because most people view it as a funny, harmless meme similar to how Horace says 'Hodor'. I blame the upstart Baelish for starting this dangerous trend. He should be expel-" "I do not concern myself with petty rumors and the meager affairs of small folk. You're dismissed Pycele." interrupted the Queen-regent. "Y-yes m'lady." nodded the old fool as he bowed and scampered off.

Meanwhile in Olyvar's quarters, he was cooking up some AIDS in his ass, shaking his rump to and fro. (play dramatic music) One of the militants blurted, "Enough of this!" and jumped on the bed aiming to impale Olyvar with his spear. The spear deeply penetrated Olyvar's lower anus, which caused him to moan in pleasure. "What?!" shouted the assassin. Olyvar clenched his butt cheeks and groaned. He then released with a moan and the spear was forced out of his anus, impaling the man who held it through the heart. Oliver then shot some poz pucky out of his upper anus at the other man's face, infecting him with HIV. The militant screamed and ran out of the room in horror, but he stopped when he noticed Steve on the floor in leapfrog position; the degenerate was wearing a mace strapped to his groan as a replacement for his long departed penis. Steve promptly leaped onto the man and started to rump him with the mace. Oliver got up and the two lovers merrily raped him to death.

In Dorne, the Jews were having convening in the castle wringing their hands and hatching schemes. Fivish got up from his Judaic hunch posture and was prepared to give a speech about how goys are inferior. He began, "Goyim, as we have proved today have no right to any land. It's time for us Jews to enact our rightful dominion over all gentiles. The Talmud commands-" He was interrupted by a red hot knife running across his throat. It was Roose Bolton. He quickly decapitated Fivish and threw his head to the side, "What did you think I was out of the picture because Stannis castrated me? No no no. That was only a double." Enraged, the Jews pulled out their magic weapons and ripped Roose to shreds, killing him instantly.

Suddenly, Walda Frey ran in with many Vale tribesmen and leapfroggers, setting upon the Jews. The leapfroggers pinned the Jews and began to rape them heartily. The tribesmen were disgusted by this and charged, beating both the Jews and the leapfroggers to death with a joyous deposition. Roose got up from his bloody mess and taunted his fallen foes, "Tsk tsk tsk. Did those Jews seriously suspect that they were capable of killing a vampire such as myself through conventional means? The arrogant fools. Scripture warns the Israelites not to intoxicate themselves with hubris. I suppose this fate is their comeuppance," he gazed passionately at his loyal soldiers and fat wife, "Now, we Boltons expelled from the North now rule the South, it is time to secure our birthright."

One week later at King's Landing, in Cersei's room, two leapfroggers were prowling on the floor and snarling at Cersei. The Queen screamed and got up on the table. "You little monsters!" she shouted as she threw a wine glass at them. The shattering glass startled one, who let out a terrifying shriek. Ser Meryn was drawn into the room. He cursed at the leapfroggers and drew his sword. One jumped on Meryn, trying to rape him, but he was able to decapitate it promptly. He then smashed the other against the wall. As a reward for his heroism, Cersei had sex with him.

Meryn was so pleasured by the sex, that his head came off when he ejaculated. Cersei moaned in joy, but came to her senses when she saw what happened to Meryn. She remembered that she threatened to turn Meryn into a flesh light if she ever saw him without a body again. Well, she couldn't go back on her word because we all know that the Lannisters always pay their debts. "Come on in boys!" yelled Cersei. (play the Lannister theme song) Then, Lancel, Jaime, and Kevan waltzed into the room nude. Lancel picked up Meryn's head in one hand, and in the other he held the castle pooper scooper. He drove the little shovel into Meryn's gums and scoured out all his teeth. He then tossed the head to Cersei. "Oh look at this petty little monster. Well, who's first?" asked the excited lady. "Me! Me! Me!" exclaimed Kevan as he jumped up and down. "Very well." said Cersei as she passed the flesh light to him. Kevan inserted his penis and came almost instantly, filling the head up with his hearty white semen.

Next, it was Jayme's turn. He picked up the head prepared the ram his fat pink mast into the glorious flesh light. Jayme looked at Kevyn and mocked, "Well you got first dibs old man, but it looks I got first dip. You lose again. Sucks to be you!" Jaime entered and presence of his humongous penis displaced the semen, spilling some of it on the floor. Jaime merrily gorged the head and shot it his load after a tender fucking. The force of Jaime's dick broke Meryn's jaw, making the toy entirely useless for Lancel. Jaime looked at Lancel, "Sorry cousin, maybe you'll get to play next time!" he joked. Kevan and Jaime rejoiced and high fived each other before pushing Lancel on the ground and laughing at his tiny unimpressive cock. The two jolly men waddled out of the room, they arms over each other's shoulders.


	6. Episode 6

Coniving Shenanagans

In the woods near the Casterly Rock area, Fake Ilyn arrived with Podrick. Podrick came from House Payne like Ilyn and noticed the area was were the Paynes held a small feudal land called 'Deathspire Castle'. The two men climbed the castle steps to the sinister alchemy lab at the top. There, Fake Ilyn took off his mask and revealed his true identity. He was the head of House Payne. His name was Murdris Payne, a demonic looking man with demonic black sunken eyes, demonic sharp teeth, a demonic pointy nose, and angelic soft blonde hair that looked like a well bred horse's mane. Murdris dropped some nightshade and lime fermented venison into a cauldron. He did a little dance and zapped the air with lightning magic. Suddenly, Ilyn Payen appeared alive and well in the room with Sansa's scalp and Podricks brain damage was completely healed. Murdris chanted, "I, Murdris of the House Payne first of my name do hereby declare myself King of the Andals and First Men in the Towerlands. I claim the title of King in the Tower!"

In Dorne, a Braavosi fleet arrived. They landed a huge armor comprised of citizen soldiers and mercenaries. The army was lead by two men summoned by the Iron Bank to put an end to the anti-semite Boltons and all others who deny their responsibilities to the Iron Bank. One of these men was Gyorge Martyno, an expert man at arms, womanizer, and mercenary king famous for his ability to turn into a werebear. The other was Tyson Lancaster, a brilliant strategist and swordsman who had a strong claim to the Iron Throne on account that his name was similar to others who sat on the throne. Within a day, the army reached Bolton's castle from the coast and laid siege. This would obviously be a long and protracted ordeal for both parties.

North of the wall, Bran and Horace finally reached Castle Black but were shocked to see that all the men were dead and the tunnel was sealed up by Stannis. Bran and Harrison would have to go around and find a boat to get back to Winterfell. This is a good thing, because nobody actually cares about this part of the story. The only reason this scene will be in the show is because of the anticipated 'Hodor' meme. Horace Harrison looks at the camera and says "Hodor" (play the laugh track) "Hodor" repeated Hanzel Hodbach. (play the laugh track again) Hugo Hastenfield intently looked at the camer and yelled "Hordor!" (play the laugh track again. No holds bars- this is indeed a very funny meme that will improve the show's ratings) If you listen carefully, you can here all the cast who were killed off earlier on say "Hodor" in unison.

At the Last Hearth road, the gang still hasn't gotten there yet. James, Brienne, and Rickon were walking along, but unbeknownst to them, Ser Davos and his men were hunting nearby. Eventually, Davos saw Rickon. He and his men surrounded the trio and entered leapfrog mode. Davos said, "Well, you got yourself caught. Who are ya?" Brienne drew her sword. Davos took off his glove and showed them that he lost his fingers. He yelled, "Those who disobey Stannis Memmis get punished!"

A knight leaped on James and raped him dead. "Anyone else wann try and disobey Stannis?" Rickon cried out, "What?! What did he do?!" Davos replied, "Two weeks ago Stannis of the House Baratheon first of his name, King of the Andals and First Men went around the countryside killin pointless minor characters with his hamma. That guy was clearly an unimportant fluff character." "Well, I see your point, but what are you going to do to me? I'm Rickon Stark. Surely the heir of Winterfell isn't a meaningless side character."

In her mind (not out loud) Brienne thought, "Stannis! Finally I'll get a chance to kill him!" "Rickon Stark ya say huh. Well you are a side character," a knight prepared to leap on Rickon, "Back down ya damn fool! Don't disobey me! I am Hand of the King!" shouted Davos. Davos jumped on that guy and sodomized him with his lame hand, leaving him barely alive. Catching his breath, Davos looked at Rickon, "You're Rickon Stark. Stannis will make you Lord of Winterfell so we can get all the lesser lords on our side. Come with me, Stannis will want to see you himself."

At Danyrys' playhouse, the Harpies have adopted the new popular Westeros style of combat: leapfrogging. The Unsullied were unprepared to fight such a quick and low foe and were being raped to death by the hundreds. Dany was forced into her castle which was besieged by leapfrogging harpies. Inside, Daario was trying to train the Unsullied in leapfrogging, but to no avail since the Unsullied were eunuchs. Danyres could do nothing but crawl up in a ball and cry.

Back at Winterfell, Davos brought Rickon and Brienne before Stannis. Stannis' legs were wrapped in bandages from the week earlier when he sprained his ankles. Stannis took one look at Brienne and grabbed his mallet. Before she could react and draw her weapon, Mannis came down on top of her head. He didn't bop her hard enough to kill her, only to knock her out. "Get 'at ogah ov a woman out of me damn sight. She'll make damn good rape foddah fo' me bloody leapfrogging bannermen." chived the King. Stannis looked at Rickon, "So Rickon Stark eh? I thoughts you were dead." Rickon answered, "What are you talking about your grace." Stannis sighed, "Goddamn Reek is a bloody idiot." Reek came in and said "Reek?!" (it's funny because Reek is very similar in mannerisms to Harold Handstalk- play the laugh track) "Reek, the only reason I 'aven't bopped ya yet is 'cause your a bloody good court jester." said Stannis. "Reek." responded Reek relieved. The King looked back at Rickon, "Looks like your supposed death was just a mere meme it seems. Nevertheless, I'll make you Lord of Winterfell so long as you swear fealty to me as the one true king." "Ay." Rickon answered. "Good. Good. Sam will be your regent for now little boy." Stannis declared.

In the dog pens, Sam's fat pink mast once again penetrated Gilly.

In King's Landing, Olivar penetrated Steve, while being speared by both Loras and Lancel.


	7. Episode 7

Horace the Memeticist

North of the wall, Henry Holdenfield said, "Hodor." Hamilton looks at the camera and says "Hodor" (laugh track). The camera zooms in on Harris' mouth and he says "Hodor" (louder laugh track). "No more Hodoring!" shouted Bran. Horace dropped Bran and kicked him in the face. Suddenly, they fell in a hole and fell down outside Winterfell. Bran looked over at Harry and said, "Wow you got us home! I forgive you Hammy." "Hodor" cheered Hans gratefully.

At Sunspear, some of the Vale tribesmen sallied forth from the castle and attacked the Braavosi. Tyson Lancaster was caught by an arrow, killing him instantly. George turned into a werebear and ran into the castle, stealing a huge amount of gold and mauling several guards. Roose was injured in the struggle. George ran out with all the gold and got on his flagship which had a fat pink mast. He sailed off leaving the army alone. Roose used magic to collapse the castle walls, causing most of the attackers to die. With diminished numbers, no leaders, and not enough ships to escape with, the Braavosi army broke and melted away into the country side. Knowing that he would be barred from entering Braavos due to his betrayal, George instead sailed for Meereen, where Dynyryes is. His genitals twitched with excitement.

At King's Landing, Cersei was having a small council meeting. Petyr was going on about treasuries and armies, "...we've not enough men or funds to deal with Stannis offensively due to our debt to the Braavosi. So, I've come up with a pla-" He was interrupted by Pycele raising his hand, "Y-your grace, I have very i-important news for you, ya-yes." Cersei passive-aggressively ignored him, sipping from her wine glass and starring off into the distance languidly. Pycele continued, "I have undergone the full measures needed to appropriately repair your beloved toy." He showed Meryn's head to the Queen. His jaw was fixed and completely clean of semen. Cersei dropped her wine glass and her eyes filled with joy, "Oh happy day! Come uncle we have family tidings to get to!" Kevan sat up so quickly that he knocked his own chair over and shoved the table into Petyr's stomach, knocking him to the ground. The Lannisters skipped out of the room graciously. Petyr, still laying on the ground, glanced up at Pycele, grinned, and tossed a purse of coins up to him. "Chaos," remarked Baelish, "is a ladder, and the only direction to go on a ladder... is up." Petyr's eyes looked over at the Iron Throne hopefully.

At Winterfell, Stannis' army had already departed and was quite a ways away from the city already. Stannis himself was just departing to catch up to his men, when he decided to speak with Rickon before leaving, "Now boy, I'm headin out ta the Iron Islands. Don't want me armies getting blindsided by em and dont want em sneakin round and grabben up Winterfell 'gain. Keep warm. Oh, an I'm takin Reek wiv me ta show em me boys mean business." The King sped away on his horse. Suddenly, Sam waddled up to him and mumbled, "Sentries spotted some bannermen marching on the city gates."

The army was led by Bran. He had founded his own Stark cadet dynasty known as the House Branning.

Rickon road out with his entourage of bodyguards and Sam. Bran met him with his bodyguards and Homer. The two boys scowled at each other. Rickon broke the silence, "Well then brother it comes to this. Winterfell, belongs to me, it is the will of King Stannis that I am made Lord. You have no right to challenge me." Bran barked back, "Nay, no outside from Dragonstone has right to compel himself upon the first men of the North. He may be King, but he surely is not kin. The throne is mine by blood right of primogeniture. Stand down to my forces and I will spare your life Rickon." Rickon sighed, "Bran you foolishly speak of 'rights' to the throne. The state is no play thing, and does not dabble in the abstract. Only numbers and swords give one claim to rule. Both of these things belong to me. I will use Stannis' left over catapults to batter your paltry 'army' to dust." Bran scorned, "I've Hamilton backing me. You cannot win." "Hodor" said Horace nervously. The two backed off to their camps.

At King's Landing, Cersei Jaime and Kevan hilariously fucked up Meryn's head without telling Lancel. They left the used up and broken head in Lancel's bed to taunt him.

Meanwhile at Olivar's playhouse Olivar and steve plowed while a crowd applauded and cheered at the circus.


	8. Episode 8

The Happyfun Adoption Center

Stannis' army was trodding along towards the coast. Suddenly, Reek went up to Stannis and grabbed on to him. "Blasted hell what the fuck are you doing Reek?!" shouted Stannis. "Please don't yell at me King Stannis." whimpered Reek. Stannis nudged Reek off of him and noticed that Reek had cat ears, a cat's tail, whiskers, and cat paws. Reek yawned and stretched out, "I feel weird m'lord." Reek purred and curled up into a little ball in Stannis' arms. Ser Davos came up to them and took one look at Reek. He told Stannis, "He looks to be in heat ya grace." Stannis grunted, "Caring for eunuchs has become quite the lucrative meme it would seem." Davos continued, "Now I know ya grace is eager to get this army to the Iron Isles, but we gotta solve this problem before it gets outta our hands." Stannis burst out, "Ya shenanigans with Robert's bastard already cost me once! I don't 'ave time to continue to abide by the wishes of unimportant side charactahs! I'll have the lady Melisandre deal with em." Davos replied, "It must be done ya grace. What will the men think if ya leave behind of ya retainers on the way to a battle?" "Fine," resolved Stannis, "We'll pay the time of day for this meme Ser Davos. But know that I've warned ya. You of all people should know the price of going against me."

Before long, the party came upon a small wooden shack near Greywater Watch. The shack had a large sign that read 'The Happyfun Adoption Center' in huge, frilly pink letters. Stannis and Davos brought Reek inside. Inside, the room was surprisingly spacious with a pen filled with tiny people with cat anthropomorphic features. Howland Reed appeared from the back room, "Why hello Stannis, it has been years since we've last spoken together, what brings you to my adoption center today?" Stannis dropped Reek and grunted, "Apparently this thing is in heat. Do something about it." Howland said, "Ah, your friend is a catson. How old is he?" "We have no idea ya grace. And he's not our friend, he's our servant." Howland replied, "Well, it's obvious that he's in heat. You'll need to know quite a few things about catple. Catple are babies who, despite being pets to us adults, have human intelligence, speak human languages, and they are permitted to own property and use money. They are basically the same as you and me. However, they have a very key distinction from 'normal' people. They have no rights to regulate their own breeding cycles. It is up to us adults to house and mate the catple. In return for our service, the catple provide us with many hours of warmth and comfort. You see, this is a symbiotic relationship."

Stannis bluntly snarled, "Just tell us how to fix the focking problem so we can go." Howland got behind the front desk, "Yes, yes,yes. Well there are three options: we can have neutered, we can have his feelings satisfied in a way that doesn't impregnate anyone, or we can let him take natures course and mate with someone so he can give birth to kittens.

Stannis was about to draw his mallet when he thought of Shireen. How lonely she was everyday with no girls her age to play with. He thought of the joy a kitten would bring her. Everyday, his daughter would have one of Reek's kittens to snuggle with and care for. No heartful man could ever deny such happiness to enter his daughter's life. "Very well," answered Stannis, "Reek shall give birth to a litter of kittens within the fortnight. As King of the Andals and the First Men, I, Stannis of the House Baratheon, first of my name decree it. "Goody!" exclaimed Howland. Over in the kitty pen, Reek was rolling around with the other kitties, Naomi, Whitewolf, and Sakura. Howland smiled at Stannis and Davos, "Now a little privacy please! You don't need to worry your royal head your grace! You'll own a whole litter of kitties within the fortnight!" Stannis and Davos left the shack.

After the two left the room, Howland hopped into the pen and shooed Naomi, Wolf, and Sakura to the other side of the play area. "Nyaaaaa~ big sir what are we gonna play today?" inquired Reek. Howland smirked, "We're gonna mate you! Don't worry it will be fun and a yummy and liberating experience for you!" Wolf came up to Reek and asked, "Hmm, you smell like you are in heat. Are you perhaps a potential mate?" Reek got nervous. Howland grabbed the bull whip and viciously lashed Wolf across the snout. The kitty squealed and scampered to the other side of the pen with the others. "I'm having you all to myself!" chirped Howland as he grabbed Reek by the legs and slipped his fat pink mast into his vagina. Howland pumped the pup in a maelstrom of violent fucking. He repeatedly slammed the tiny Reek against the side of the playpen. Reek screamed out for daddy to come save him but it was no use as Stannis was too busy sharpening his mallet outside.

In the immense pressure, Reek had to make a choice, would he continue to scream and make a fool of himself or would he enjoy the sex. (play heartfelt pro-LGBT pop song) "The LGBT community has a much more liberated view of sex than antiquated bigots." he thought. Sex is sex and sex is lovely. Given this relaxed attitude to free love, Reek reasoned that rape isn't really that big a deal. It's just a meat stick thrusting into a warm, wet hole. There is nothing tremendously wrong with it. The only one who would object to this intercourse would be someone who still thinks that homosex isn't really sex since a child cannot be produced. "Fuck them." he thought.

Riding cock is tiring work. Much later, Howland and Reek were exhausted. Reek had just delivered a beautiful litter of three healthy kittens into the world (these kittens were scaly and dragon-like, this fulfills Stannis' dragon requirement for the Azor Ahai prophecy). He was enjoying a well deserved rest. Reek looked at Howland googly eyed. Reek wept for he knew that he must fulfill his obligation to serve alongside Stannis. Such is the life of a man at arms, they must march off to the battlefield leaving behind the ones they love. Women are the primary victims of war. They lose their sons, brothers, fathers while waiting for them to return... Queer sexuality means falling in love for your own reasons. Howland gave Reek the gift of life, and this gift far outweighs the crime of rape. Were these lives taken, the atrocity would scale many times higher than that one committed by Howland. Reek set off to Stannis' side, determined to survive so he could father his children named Ned, Robb, and Sansa. He did this not before vowing to Howland, "I shall return to you in many years after my promised King sits upon the Iron Throne. I am a man of obligations. I owe to my sovereign and to you... my love."


End file.
